My blog feels like an obituary now.

There's a place in your heart
And I know that it is love
And this place could be much
Brighter than tomorrow.
And if you really try
You'll find there's no need to cry
In this place you'll feel
There's no hurt or sorrow.
There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space, make a better place.

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for
You and for me.

If you want to know why
There's a love that cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares for joyful giving.
If we try we shall see
In this bliss we cannot feel
Fear or dread
We stop existing and start living
Then it feels that always
Love's enough for us growing
Make a better world, make a better world.

And the dream we would conceived in
Will reveal a joyful face
And the world we once believed in
Will shine again in grace
Then why do we keep strangling life
Wound this earth, crucify it's soul
Though it's plain to see, this world is heavenly
Be God's glow.

We could fly so high
Let our spirits never die
In my heart I feel
You are all my brothers
Create a world with no fear
Together we'll cry happy tears
See the nations turn
Their swords into plowshares
We could really get there
If you cared enough for the living
Make a little space to make a better place.

A Plea for Help.

Some updates on what has happened since the last entry.

Jenazah Allahyarham Ammar Zulkifli telah selamat dibawa balik ke Malaysia (dengan bantuan JPA) dan dikebumikan di kampung halamannya. Allahyarham was a very much loved friend to many people in Cairo, and many cried for his loss. In fact, the Timbalan Mufti Selangor himself was there to lead his jenazah prayers.

As for the other four - two are still in ICU whereas the other two have been discharged home with minor injuries. One of the students in ICU is still unconscious due to sedation (he had a traumatic brain injury) and the other one is awaiting surgery (currently unstable/unfit for surgery) for multiple fractures (including a fracture of the acetabulum). Although the other two escaped with minor physical injuries, the psychological burden and trauma is immense. All five of them are in the middle of their exams and the two 'well' ones have to sit for exams despite all the events that have just happened. Apart from that, the loss of a very close friend while you walk away relatively unharmed is enough to bring nightmares to anyone. Imagine being the driver of the car and seeing your friend pass away right in front of your eyes from the severity of injuries - what trauma that would entail!

I know this sounds like a horror movie with all the ambulance drama, but that's how the healthcare system works over there in Egypt. Alhamdulillah, JPA is paying for all their hospital bills, which you can imagine is immense (since setiap investigation pun kena bayar). But another major aftermath of all that is that the students have to pay for the cost of repairing the car, which they say 'tak nampak rupa kereta dah' - the sum of which is a staggering LE 25000 (approximately GBP 3000). For students over there who receive a mere income of USD $400 a month, mana nak korek nak cari duit nak bayar semua tu?

A group of their friends are helping them out by asking for donations from those who download a song they created for their lost friend. And here I am, asking you to reach into your pockets for some sympathy for these kids. Budak2 ni memang budak2 baik, semua orang kat sana pun sayang dan kesian kat diorang. And I'm sure for those yang pernah pergi Egypt, you can testify to the generosity of our Malaysian students studying over there. Well, here's a chance for us to show them that we on this side of the world are capable of being generous too.



For those who wish to help, you can donate via my HSBC account with the details as follows, atau melalui Paypal (alamat email hana_shams@yahoo.com). I will inshaAllah bring all your kind contributions with me when I go there in late July.

Name: Miss Z I Asmawi
Account No: 31598813
Sort Code: 400500
Reference: Derma

For those in Malaysia, you can contribute directly into Mohamad Saif bin Jamaluddin's (one of the victims) HSBC account (nombor akaun 311 133 524 025). For those yang bukan di UK, Ireland atau Malaysia, bolehlah menyumbang melalui akaun saya juga (sebab akaun Saif takde 100% details untuk international deposits). Cumanya the details would be as follows.

Full Name: Zaatil Iffah Asmawi
International Bank Account No: GB29MIDL40050031598813
Branch ID Code: MIDLGB2173E

Untuk maklumat lanjut, boleh layari website persatuan pelajar medic kat sana, Perubatan.

I thank you all for your kind thoughts, prayers and every single penny/pence/sen. May God reward you endlessly and make things easy for you as you have done for others. InshaAllah.

Two days ago, five of Kadir's juniors were involved in a terrible accident on their way to this place called Ain Sokhna. One of them passed away and another two are still unconscious (please pray for them). From his mother's very redha reply when receiving the news, the tears cried by many of his friends, the number of people present at his jenazah prayers and how everyone spoke so fondly of him, I am confident beyond any doubt that he was a good kid and there's only one very happy ending for him. May his soul rest in peace.

Thinking about how their accident happened near Suez gives me goosebumps. We too went to Suez in April, en route to Sinai. We too overtook cars and lorries and buses. There was also a sandstorm brewing when we were in Suez. The only advantage we had was that we all wore seatbelts. Had our worst fears come true during the sandstorm, we wouldn't still be alive and in one piece. And I can't help but wonder if my death would receive a reaction anywhere near Ammar's. I wonder if I will be the al-mustareeh, the one who rests from the woes of the world by passing on, or the al-mustaraah minhu, the one who people gain rest from their demise.

One thing's for sure - people will get a lot of rest from all my talking. I know I talk too much. I just have so many things that I think about, that I feel, that I've experienced and that people have told me, that for some strange reason, I feel like I need to share with other people. Someone once said to me that the problem is that I want to tell everyone everything, so much so that I tell the same people the same things over and over again (though I think my bad memory's to blame here, not my talkativeness per se). In that sense, I kinda think it's good that I have a blog. That way, I can say whatever crap I wanna say without actually imposing on other people's lives and forcing them to listen to what I say.

It's not that I haven't tried cutting down on all the talking, but I think my addiction is even worse than a smoking habit. I've tried to find the root of the problem but I can't ascertain why I talk so much. I've even thought of some kind of genetic predisposition, but even that seems vaguely possible. Not that my parents are quiet people, but even my dad used to say that IBM stood for "Iffah banyak mulut". What I do know is that I can't imagine going through more than 24 hours without talking. And I can't imagine living in Taliban-era Afghanistan when women were not to speak unless spoken to.

I think I have to work harder. I don't want to shut up only because I have no choice when I'm dead. I don't want to burden other people by having to listen to my stories. It's true what people say - some things, no actually most things, are better left unsaid. I wonder if Ayoh used to like listening to my stories. I like to think that he did though.

A classmate of mine used to say, "Banyak cakap, banyak dusta. Banyak dusta, banyak dosa. Banyak dosa, masuk neraka." I don't know if my talkativeness leads to 'banyak dusta', but I do know that I've hurt many people by what I recklessly say.

I think when I die, I will be the al-mustaraah minhu.

Yay, on holiday again! Well, alhamdulillah I passed both my OSCE and Progress Test, so I do believe I well deserve this break. Mak Abah, jangan marah saya ponteng kelas ya? Orang lain pun pergi bercuti ke tempat2 lagi best (dan tak panas macam nak mati) seperti Paris, Lake District, London dan Edinburgh.

Apart from melarikan diri daripada Project Option for a few days (what an understatement!), there's not much to be done now in Egypt. The weather's scorching hot with temperatures up to 44 degrees celcius! OMG, I just cannot imagine how it's gonna be like in late July nanti - I may just die! The only places I have been are friends' houses to ensure that the new queen hasn't taken over (Yes, the bitch is back! Refer to GG 2x23), and also City Star, one of the biggest shopping complexes in Cairo, just for the sake of getting out of the sun and basking in cool conditioned air. Now this place has like thousands of security guards who oddly enough do not allow photography inside the pretty building, and there weren't any signs anywhere to say so. But the funny thing was that there were loads of 'No Smoking' signs, yet there were loads of people smoking carelessly as if it was their own house and everybody loved the smell of the nauseating gases they exhaled. The even more disappointing thing was that everything there is damn expensive! It's not just the converted price of the RRP of the foreign products, which is already too much considering the average income of people here, but up to double that! For example, the Amlika leave in hair conditioner from Body Shop which costs less than 5 pounds in the UK is a whopping LE110! Even things that were on sale at 50% off were still double the price of the same thing in the UK. What a rip-off! No wonder the people who actually seemed affluent enough to buy anything from the shops were those with American accents saying things like, "You know, I wish I was like, less exposed" or Saudis and their clan from the oil-rich countries of the world. H&M was probably the only shop where prices were just slightly higher than the converted prices. Itupun tak lalu saya nak beli since it's hundreds of Egyptian pounds, which is too big a number for budget fashion like H&M. So I ended up just buying a regular chocolate milkshake from Carvel.

Cepat amek gambar sebelum pakcik guard marah!

Anyway, semasa perjalanan ke sini, I had the unfortunate experience of meeting two groups of very opposite men - one the Caucasian gentlemen, and the latter the slightly uncultured Southeast Asian men. After checking in, I had to drop my backpack for check in at another counter as the bag was too small to be lumped in and squashed by the larger suitcases. Abang hensem yang jaga kaunter kemudiannya berkata, "You have a Manchester United keyring in your bag", which took me a few seconds to register as I was enjoying the view. "Oh yes, shame they lost though." Dan kami (me, abang hensem dan pakcik kurang hensem) pun terus la bersembang tentang kekalahan yang mengecewakan the week before. Now that is the beauty of Western manners - people treat you like equals (most of the time) regardless of race, religion or gender.

When I reached Amsterdam for transit, I passed by two men whom from quite a distance I could recognise their Southeast Asian features, yet weren't sure whether they were Malay or Indonesian. They had long hair, were quite suntanned and looked almost like Indon kerja construction site kat taman perumahan saya dulu. So I tried to look away without being too overt, and the two men started saying "Assalamualaikum" out loud, and yes, in the same intonation as "Assalamualaikum, tak jawab dosa" which is so popular back home. I obviously walked even faster despite their repeated salams and glances at me. Pervs!

Then while queuing to board my flight to Cairo, an undoubtedly Malaysian looking guy stood a few spaces ahead of me in line, and when the line turned and twisted, he somehow ended up standing next to me in line (separated by the line posts). The guy had long hair with sunglasses on his head and had on 3/4 cargos, and I didn't mean to be prejudiced, but after the encounter with those two men, what do you expect a girl to do? The guy just kept looking (more like staring) at me, as if he was either trying to guess where I was from or was waiting for me to say 'hi'. I obviously would not - can't a girl have some pride? Anyhoo, when I finally landed, Kadir told me he was waiting with a guy who was waiting for his brother to arrive from Paris (via Amsterdam). When Parisian guy arrived, salam2 and everything, he told his brother (and Kadir) about budak Melayu sombong yang tak tegur dia and buat tak nampak kat dia. Kadir gelak and asked, "Lelaki ke perempuan?" and he said, "Perempuan." His brother then laughed and said, "Isteri dia la" and dengan muka cuak dia pun cakap it wasn't Kadir's wife he was talking about. Just before they headed off and I was still waiting for my luggage to arrive (why does mine always arrive late?!), Parisian kid again apologises to Kadir reiterating that, "Betul, bukan isteri you tadi tu" as if there were any other Malaysians on board the whole flight. Seb baik diorang dah blah by the time I arrived. Kalau tak, I would probably say something along the lines of, "Ek eleh cakap orang sombong. Dia tu tak tegur orang, pastu expect orang tegur dia dulu. Kalau muka hensem sikit, boleh consider la jugak."

Anyway, kesimpulan daripada cerita bosan panjang lebar ni adalah ramai lelaki Melayu yang tetap berperangai seperti lelaki Melayu tidak kira di ceruk mana dunia ini sekalipun mereka berada.

Righty-o now, must get ready for dinner at another friend's house. Oh, I do love being Blair. Till then, tata!

Tengok video ni teringat zaman Boy dan Cumai sesat dalam 1 Utama. Bak kata Abah, "Hok bodo bawok hok bodo."

Kakak, ingatlah, pakat2 jago, adek beradek jange kelahi!

Melayu yang trendy.

Perhatian, ini bukan post mengutuk Melayu. Ia hanya meng-highlight observation2 saya berdasarkan inspirasi daripada Encik Melayu Minimalis just over a year ago. Dalam keadaan saya baru tengah recover from a bad flu, maafkanlah any daftness on my part.

1. The bigger your camera, the better!
Di Malaysia, turnover untuk barang2 elektronik sangat cepat. It always amazes me how quickly Malaysians incorporate foreign technology into their lives, but take ages to learn some positive culture (work ethics, civic-mindedness) from the same people.

Dulu zaman orang guna SLR, it was so bulky and heavy that people moved on to smaller compact cameras. I remember having an Olympus at that time, not because I thought SLRs were uncool, but because my mom never trusted me to use her SLR. Then people moved on to Cybershots and Powershots and their anak-beranak. And now, apparently normal digital cameras are obsolete too, as we welcome the new era of DSLRs! And along with that, everybody starts thinking they can take really good photos from really good angles, so they should make money out of it by becoming wedding photographers (real wedding photographers not included in this).

As much as I hate myself for buying one at a time when everybody else thinks DSLRs are cool, I have an alibi. When my Sony digicam rosak a few years ago, I decided to change brands because as everyone knows, Sonys are annoying in the sense that you have to use only their accessories with their stuff. While waiting for a decision to be made, I got a Cybershot phone, which has okay MPs, but the quality just isn't the same as proper cameras. And then I got a Canon, by the advice of my brother who minored in photography (or something like that). And boy, did life become much better for me! Really nice pics, superb night photography, easily obtained accessories - what more could I want? Until I noticed that for indoor pictures, the colours were a bit off. Which is a bugger since a lot of my pictures are indoors. So terpaksa la saya beli DSLR. End of story.

2. Mari mengambil sebanyak mungkin subjek sewaktu SPM supaya boleh keluar paper.
I believe this started when Cik Amalina decided to take 17 subjects for SPM, mungkin dengan harapan dapat masuk Ox-ford yang akhirnya berkecai. Bak kata mak saya, kalau dah amek Bio, Fizik dan Kimia, amek Sains tu kacang je. Same as those yang dah amek Syariah and Quran & Sunnah, pastu for the sake of menambahkan subjek, amek jugak Pendidikan Islam and/or Tasawur. How much more redundant can one get?

Personally, for me, pengambilan berpuluh2 subjek waktu SPM just shows how undecided you are as to your career path. It also puts pressure on everyone else to take as many subjects as they can, go to as many tuition classes as they can (ada klasmet saya dulu pergi 4 tempat just untuk Matematik Tambahan!) dan menghabiskan masa muda remaja di dalam kereta pi mai-pi mai ke tempat tuition (bak kata Dina). Hats off to those kids who are smart enough (able) to learn many things, but at the same time have enough wisdom to not be wasting time taking too many subjects and actually enjoy their youth.

Dan akhirnya, bila masuk centres of higher education, semua A tu tak dipandang lagi. Bak kata Mr Matias (au kamaa qaal), "I don't care how many As you got in your SPM, it doesn't make any difference from this day forward." All the people I know who actually made it into Oxford, Cambridge and Ivy League-type Unis did not, I repeat, did not take too many subjects in SPM/O-Level/A-Level.

3. Mak, adik nak jadi doktor!
After Malaysia sent her first astronaut into space, I thought orang akan berkejar2 nak jadi astronaut, astronomers, astrologists and kerja dengan Astro. But no, everyone wants to become a doctor! Unless they think that's the shortcut to getting a free ticket to space, I don't understand the craze. Daripada yang sepandai2 manusia sampai la kepada yang results SPM won't even get them into Uni in Malaysia, parents are spending their hard-earned (for some) money and getting loans just to send their kids to every nook and cranny in the world to go through a gruelling 5-7 years of medical school, then to come home (for most) and serve in a not-so-ideal work environment. Why, people, why? Seperti yang saya pernah cakap dulu, if you're after fame and glamour, baik jadi artis. Kalau nak authority, baik jadi politician. Kalau nak kaya, baik la bukak bisnes (my aunt's husband has a successful batik, songket and silk business and he didn't even finish primary school!).

Yes, I do realise that we have a shortage of doctors in Malaysia and we could use all the help we can get. But at the same time, I feel sorry for the people (rakyat jelata) if what they get is poor quality doctors who aren't doing their jobs optimally.

4. Bertunang dan berkahwin perlu va-va-voom!
Orang sekarang kalau bertunang mesti ada majlis besar2an jemput habis saudara-mara, rakan-rakan, jiran tetangga, the chaiwalla from the office dan juga your brother's ex-girlfriend's sister. Itu baru sebelah pihak. Pelamin juga mesti cantik, hantaran mesti berdulang2, make-up mesti by a professional, baju kena tempah from Radzwan Radzwill, dan photographer mesti ada.

Oh, itu baru bertunang! Honestly, qué diablos?

And I feel sorry for those yang tak suka sangat grand2 ni, tapi when the going gets tough, the tough has to get going. It’s difficult not to get caught up inside the web as well. Mediocrity is the answer. Janganlah cheap sangat sampai bagi makan mee goreng or burger je untuk tetamu, but please, I beg you, don’t go over the top.

Bak kata kawan saya (lebih kurang), "I'm so glad I'm already married and done with. Kalau tak, mesti kalah in the competition."
Me, too, dear. Me, too.

5. Handphone sapa paling canggih?
Dari dulu sampai sekarang, I never understood this trend. Budak2 sekolah yang konon takde duit sampai dapat biasiswa, but what do they do with it? Oh, mesti la beli handphone! Budak2 post-SPM yang dapat PTPTN, first month mesti la update handphone! Sungguh janggal dan agak tidak malu kerana meminjam duit untuk belajar, kemudian terus guna duit untuk stay up-to-date, then bila jumlah pinjaman menimbun2, menyumpah seranah PTPTN sebab caj korang for the loan.

Saya agak lega sebab dari zaman saya first start pakai handphone dulu (handphone Motorola baling anjing pun mamp*s) sampai sekarang, I consciously try not to be a follower.

6. Kamu ada blog, saya pun nak berbelog la!
Dari sekecik2 budak sampai setua2 nenek saya, dari manusia yang paling takde life di dunia sampai la yang hidup semua orang pun envy, rakyat Malaysia suka berbelog sekarang. In a way, it's good, coz a lot of people post interesting and entertaining things on the net for the benefit of other readers, thus making Malaysians a lot more knowledgeable. But budak2 sekolah yang menghabiskan masa di internet untuk menceritakan tentang their oh-so-wonderful love life and budak2 perempuan kelas sebelah yang bitchy (pastu bila results hampeh, mak bapak hantar buat medicine overseas), please la have a little pride!



Mintak maaf kalau ada yang terasa. Kalau anda ada pemerhatian lain tentang trend2 terkini orang Melayu/Malaysia, silalah add sesuka hati.

Yes, I have come back from my very much needed one week break. There are too many stories to tell, so I’ll let the pics (Facebook, Friendster) summarise everything for me. But there were two close-to-death incidents which I’ll briefly talk about.

On the way to Sinai, there was a sandstorm. Now it wasn’t just any average sandstorm – visibility was reduced to probably a maximum of two metres, with no street lamps of any sort (kedekut betul kerajaan Mesir!) and we couldn’t see cars from the opposite direction until they were almost right next to us (seb baik next to us and not in front of us!). There were times when I wanted to ask Kadir to just stop the Avanza by the side of the road and wait for the storm to dissipate. But then that would be too dangerous as the cars behind us wouldn’t be able to see us until they were really close, so they would probably drive straight into us. Sarah kept thinking about how her mum would be tossing and turning in her sleep, and true enough, her mum texted to check if she was safe. I kept thinking that if I die, I’ll die with Kadir, and Fatimah would die with her mum, but I felt sorry for everyone else in the car who didn’t have family with them in their last moments. Everyone stayed awake during the storm, though some pretended to sleep so that they wouldn’t have to see how scary it was, and everyone was saying their prayers as if it would be their last.

Suez: The sandstorm as it was just beginning.

The second was obviously climbing up Mount Sinai a.k.a. Jabal Musa. That was the worst episode of breathlessness and chest constriction I have ever felt. There were many times when I could hear myself wheezing, and there were many times that I felt I should just give up. In the end, I’m not sure if all the pain was worth it, but oh well, I reached the summit anyway and managed to get back down despite aching heels and trembling knees.

Told ya I almost died climbing the 2,285m mountain!

Apart from those two not-so-nice things, we all had a wonderful time in Egypt, especially when you’re there with fun people and have a really cool driver, tourist guide, mountain guide, translator, photographer, penjaga beg, ... And meeting some very nice people and of course the superb array of food available!


And now what’s left is waiting for the OSCE results to come out (another close encounter with death perhaps?), applying for electives, writing up my 5000 word SSC (ICU consultants/anaesthetists are so cool!), doing 11 weeks of research and a 10k word write-up, crappy reflective pieces for portfolio, reading journals and various papers, finishing a book, revising for Progress Test in 3 weeks, starting revision for the real thing (the final of all finals!) in January and if time permits, posting some previous ramblings here. Too much reading and writing to do - I’m sure that’s enough to keep me occupied before summer holidays (which is a loooong 13 weeks to go!).

Oh, and good luck to Munzir and friends for your finals! As much as I hate you kids for graduating before me, I’m kind enough to pray for your success. Allahumma yassir!